Like many women, I like to talk my problems out. I don’t think it solves anything, but it usually makes me feel better. Recently, though, I have been trying a new strategy. When I feel totally wretched about my life (like today), I would like to retreat a little and still figure out how to maintain a happy outlook when I am around people. A mask if you will.
I talk a lot about having a purpose in life, but I think there is only one true purpose (which I’m not very good at): Strive to be a positive influence to those around you; don’t make others miserable. If you can’t do this, then go for a walk in the woods or talk to god or maybe write on your blog. 🙂
I think, though, that happiness is not so much a state of mind like we are taught, but instead wrapped up in your identity. I always think of myself as a “not-very-happy” person. It is who I am. Can we change this over time? When I think of my failed relationship with Mr. Faraway over the last two years, it is hard to remember when in that I was happy. I was always tormented. I do not want this to be a permanent state, although I think for me it has always been like that.
The dating update: Mr. Romeo and I have connected. On the simplest level, I just want to be someone’s girl, and I would be very content to be his. He, however, is not ready for a relationship after his divorce, and so there are all sorts of rules about how much time we spend together, how physical we are, how I am introduced to his son – and more distressing and shameful for me, how he wants to play the field a little to explore after his 7 year marriage. Much of the time I am okay with this, because he is wonderful and sweet and I can see us together in the future. I did go out with another gentleman for dinner this week, and it just felt all wrong. Captain R (as my best friend calls him) feels right.
Yet, some days, like today, when I just want to watch a movie on a Friday with someone I like, I want to crawl up in a ball and not let anyone see how upset I am. I think I’ll be watching that movie by myself tonight.