Time passes.. things stay status quo

I thought to give up blogging, but I miss it!  The basic update:  I am very single, with all manner of men hovering like mosquitoes or hummingbirds, depending on the moment.  No sex, though – unless you count some pretty amazing phone calls.

A couple of great quotes from the last weeks:

  • Will you have my baby? We can start now.  Saturday, at 2pm – from the hopeful African.
  • Will you quit your PhD and move to Florida?  Tuesday, 2pm – from Mr. Faraway.
  • I want to give us a chance.  I want to give my niece someone to play with.  It’s torture for us to be apart.  Tuesday, 6pm – Mr. Faraway
  • Me: Can I come in late July?  Mr. Faraway: No, I’m not sure where I’ll be living.  And I’ll be working.  Wed, 2pm
  • “There will obviously be no sexual relationship.” – Romeo, about 2 weeks ago.
  • “I hate to say goodnight.  Maybe this weekend we won’t need to (ie, stay over).” – Romeo, two days ago.

At least the African is direct and honest.  The other two are like whirlwinds that are entirely unpredictable.  At the end, I just feel confused and lost and hopeless.  Hopeless. Sometimes, I want to define this long-distance relationship with Mr. Faraway, make it real, really commit to it – but he is all talk.

My work is my anchor – and I wish that weren’t true.  Rather, I am passionate about my work, but I want – yes, I want love, too.

In other news, I start Saturday morning volunteering at a foster home in Waianae.  Baby steps.  I haven’t changed my Plan B idea, but I have been thinking more about just doing it.  I am horribly passionate about having a child on my own, and equally passionate about not having a child on my own.   To say that there isn’t doubt is a lie.  My career choice has the real potential to help others – can I do that with a child as well?

There is only one thing I can count on – my own character and integrity.  I am determined to remain loyal and open-hearted, no matter what the situation.  I am embarrassed to admit that sometimes I question my belief in the divine – it is entirely unclear why I should have to wait so long.

Unorganized thoughts, here.

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About tidewater

thirty-something, mostly single, finding a path.
This entry was posted in Career, Childless or childfree, Dating and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Time passes.. things stay status quo

  1. I always told myself that the only way I could see myself having kids was if I was 110% sure I wanted them. I only ever got to about 75%. And I’m perfectly fine with it. I suspect it disappoints my mother, but then she’s not the one that’s going to have to raise them.

    I love how men always say that women are confusing and that we never know what we want. I often want to say in return: Have you looked in the mirror much?

  2. tidewater says:

    When I met Mr. Faraway, I was 110%. I think we were 110% together. The geographical problem (going on 2 years now) has torn us to bits.

    And yes, I don’t think anyone knows what they want.

mahalo for your comment!

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