I thought to give up blogging, but I miss it! The basic update: I am very single, with all manner of men hovering like mosquitoes or hummingbirds, depending on the moment. No sex, though – unless you count some pretty amazing phone calls.
A couple of great quotes from the last weeks:
- Will you have my baby? We can start now. Saturday, at 2pm – from the hopeful African.
- Will you quit your PhD and move to Florida? Tuesday, 2pm – from Mr. Faraway.
- I want to give us a chance. I want to give my niece someone to play with. It’s torture for us to be apart. Tuesday, 6pm – Mr. Faraway
- Me: Can I come in late July? Mr. Faraway: No, I’m not sure where I’ll be living. And I’ll be working. Wed, 2pm
- “There will obviously be no sexual relationship.” – Romeo, about 2 weeks ago.
- “I hate to say goodnight. Maybe this weekend we won’t need to (ie, stay over).” – Romeo, two days ago.
At least the African is direct and honest. The other two are like whirlwinds that are entirely unpredictable. At the end, I just feel confused and lost and hopeless. Hopeless. Sometimes, I want to define this long-distance relationship with Mr. Faraway, make it real, really commit to it – but he is all talk.
My work is my anchor – and I wish that weren’t true. Rather, I am passionate about my work, but I want – yes, I want love, too.
In other news, I start Saturday morning volunteering at a foster home in Waianae. Baby steps. I haven’t changed my Plan B idea, but I have been thinking more about just doing it. I am horribly passionate about having a child on my own, and equally passionate about not having a child on my own. To say that there isn’t doubt is a lie. My career choice has the real potential to help others – can I do that with a child as well?
There is only one thing I can count on – my own character and integrity. I am determined to remain loyal and open-hearted, no matter what the situation. I am embarrassed to admit that sometimes I question my belief in the divine – it is entirely unclear why I should have to wait so long.
Unorganized thoughts, here.