The “plan” is that you go to college, find a job, find a boyfriend, get married, and have kids. That is the plan. My life is not going according to plan, and I remind myself 20 times a day that it is going to be ok.
On this rainy morning in Hawaii, with my dog and my coffee and jazz and the New Yorker and yoga and meditation and friends and dinner plans, maybe I only need the above mantra 4 times, not 20.
However, I unfortunately sort of feel like I’m practicing relationships for the first time. Better sooner rather than never, but maybe 32 is not the right age to be figuring out what I like, how to know if a guy likes me, and what to say to keep a relationship steady. I have figured out all of these things for friends, but when dating a guy? A total mystery.
This blog post agrees:
As with coding and management and matters of finance and marketing, relationships have a learning curve. You learn the basics of “relationshiptiva” (note to copyed: yes, I made up that word): How to deal with sexual etiquette, mundane everyday things, scheduling, and appropriate meetings with close friends, and some equitable plan for who’s supposed to pay for dinner or wash the dishes this time. These are basics. And if you’re learning them in your thirties, it’s going to be much harder.
In response, Sasha Cohen and her trusty group of commenters argue that love is something you can find at any age, and that the skills of relationships are not the same skills as those of the workplace. She tweets: “people continue learning how to love and be with others their whole lives so i don’t like a fear-based attitude of ‘too late.’”
After spending something like a decade in a state of singleness, I am now ready to try out being that girl that always has a boyfriend. I need practice and affirmation that I can do this. Even on an anonymous blog like this, I am delicate with how much I reveal about the promiscuity of my 20s. The thing is, at the time, I really did think that drunken hook-ups were the way to find a boyfriend. I was always disappointed when it didn’t turn into more. I am prone to agree with the first blog above – that figuring this stuff out in your 30s is late. I can recover, just maybe not in time to have kids.
It’s been about two months with Kirios, and things are not going well. He is obviously the *exact* opposite of Mr. Faraway. He is safe, and I enjoy spending time with him, but there are underlying moral differences about money and spirituality that don’t work. For my personality, the people I’ve always been attracted to are very calm and can neutralize my high frequency energy. He is a lot more anxiety-prone and workaholic-y than me, which I didn’t think possible.
None of the relationship has been (or is) a loss, just a good solid learning lesson. This is the “plan” for me.