addiction

“There is a way of loving not attached to what is loved. Observe how water is with the ground, always moving toward the ocean.” – Rumi

Such a beautiful quote!  If only I could get back there.

I’m a little confused today.  When I hear the words of my teachers, I hear that I should love.  That my heart should be open.  That to love is the medicine of the soul.  That the universe is love.  And yet, the love that I have (I struggle not to put it in quotation marks) for Mr. Faraway increasingly feels like a drug.  It’s been a year since he proclaimed, while I was in his arms, that he didn’t love me.  And yet, if I don’t hear from him for 2 days, I panic, and everything seems wrong.  Nothing will soothe me without hearing from him.  This type of love is just attachment.  Today I understand that word.

“After six months relationships can become addictive.” By this time, one may have gotten so dependent on the companionship that even if the relationship is troubled, it’s hard to get out. -Aaron Weiss, clinical psychologist – see bitterbabe

There is a recent story in the New Yorker about a woman who sleeps with a soldier for  a summer during the war, becomes pregnant, and then must convince a sweet doting man to marry her before the baby is born.  She remembers him well into her old age, after her husband has passed.  Passion converted into family life and stability must be a common thread for couples in history, especially for women who cannot have something on the side so easily.

“for it is better to marry than to burn with passion,” 1 Cor. 7:9

And I am absolutely burning with passion.

The part of all of this that makes me feel crazy is that it is has been so long since I’ve seen him, that I can’t understand how the addiction can be so deep from so faraway.  I will be free of this, because I don’t have all the time in the world, and because I deserve better than this heartbreak.

(Mr. Faraway has such impeccable timing – he knows exactly when to swoop in, just as I am about to move on and give up.  He texted sweet things as I was choosing my categories for this post.  !#$!#@$)

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About tidewater

thirty-something, mostly single, finding a path.
This entry was posted in Long distance, Relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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