on fear

Reliability provides a measure of how often a system fails.
Resilience provides a measure of how long failures will last,
and vulnerability provides a measure of how severe failures
may become.  -Storage Reservoir Behavior in the U.S., Vogel et al.

I would estimate it around ten.  Ten real dates in 2 months.  Ten ups and then downs.  I’m exhausted.  I’d like to crawl under a cardboard box and not talk to anyone anymore.  I’d like to sail into the middle of the Pacific.

Two months ago I thought I was setting out on a mission that I understood.  But today, I’m little more than confused with a lot of suitors.  Sure, I met my goal of getting out there, but the disappointment that none of them could see the depths of me like Mr. Faraway was and is able to, is terrible.

I have been downright afraid for the last week, and really unable to express my fear to anyone.  It is the fear of the possible – I can actually choose to make it all happen in this instance.  The partner, the kid.  The universe is saying “here! this is what you asked for!”, and I am ashamed that I have so much fear of letting go, and getting hurt, and it not being right, and me not being right.

The thing about the above quote is that I firmly understand how to do this life bit on my own – how to trust myself, and pick myself up, and how to be strong, and how to weather the changes, how to swim blindly into a cave with the hope of something on the other side (see this week’s Bachelor).  But I have no idea how to let myself morph into some sort of unit – whether it be with a man or child – that does that together.  I knew for a bit – with Mr. Faraway – but that crashed, hard.  I have no idea how to let go of the identity of Ms.  I-Can-Do-Anything-On-My-Own.  It has been my life raft for a decade (or since I was maybe 11?).  The thought is utterly terrifying.

Thankfully, I have proven that I am reliable, resilient and not at all vulnerable to calamity, so hopefully this too shall pass, in peace.


About tidewater

thirty-something, mostly single, finding a path.
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