I hope you don’t need me

Being needed was all I knew of love. At least, that’s how I excused flame-out after flame-out. I was, after all, only in my 20s twenties, my mid-20s, my late 20s, and fumbling in love was par for the course. I watched my Facebook feed become a living scrapbook of engagement announcements and wedding portraits and babies’ first Christmases and realized that I picked these men because they could never give me those things. I would end up where I always did, where I feel safe and free: alone in a rented apartment, cooking for one and cuddling the dog.

http://www.salon.com/2012/12/20/curse_of_my_birthing_hips/

I resonate deeply with this girl.

A smart friend of mine was listening to me proclaim my grief that Mr. Faraway wasn’t thinking about a life partner.  It is true – we had a big argument last week after a month of inexcusable brushoffs.  I finally had to gather up my self-respect and tell him that I needed time to process it all.  There is weeping and a sadness in my chest that I can’t describe.

My smart friend observed how I completely entirely brushed off Mr. Viking, especially after he brought me flowers for the 3rd time.  It gave me the creeps!  I didn’t need someone falling over himself for me.  I want a man who has his independence.  Like Mr. Faraway.  Who really truly seems to not need me so much.  It is only after I fall in love with them that I am desperate for him to need me.  Having chosen him for his independence though, he has never really gotten there.

I don’t think I associate my love with “being needed”, but I do think I associate it with “not needing me”.  I want to give all of these guys everything I have, but only if they don’t possibly need me. I date independent guys who can’t possibly think of me in terms of settling down.  I have so many walls up to prevent relationships where guys will actually possibly need me.

I’m not sure how to change this, but perhaps I just need to crack the door open just a little and let some fresh air in.

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About tidewater

thirty-something, mostly single, finding a path.
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One Response to I hope you don’t need me

  1. Atypical Aryan Librarian says:

    Ugh. I feel like this all the time. I always have an excuse. “I’ve only been divorced for two years.” “I’m still busy with school.” Then I”m convinced that I’m going to die alone.

mahalo for your comment!

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