On being thankful

I know. It’s Thanksgiving.  Before I rant a little, know that I am thankful to be healthy, and able to love my dog, and am grateful for the friends I do have.  I have a job that is perfectly suited to me. My family are crazy but  not entirely awful.  I live in Hawaii.

But, amongst all this gratitude is loneliness.  Big loneliness.  We aren’t supposed to talk about our hatred of the holidays – it is one of those taboo topics.  And my experience is that nothing is worse than loneliness during the holidays.

This year has hit me harder.  I love my Mr. Faraway, but we could not figure out how to be together this year, and he still hasn’t found a job.  I have to wait until New Years to see him.  In the meantime, I am more – let’s be real here – desperate and obsessed about having a baby than ever before.  I spend way too much time reading (absolutely awesome and loneliness dispersing) blogs like lifewithoutbaby and gateway women, when really I just want to be out in the world smiling and feeling loved.  My favorite aunties are both off-island, my good older-sister role model is off-island, my hanai’d uncle is depressed and hanging out in his man-cave.  My grandfather-stand-in is going to China tomorrow morning.  All that’s left are my 20-somethings friends who are decidedly not thinking baby mode.

A wise man advised me to consider the difference between child companionship and adult companionship.  If your reason for demanding a baby is to have a companion and someone who loves you, that is awfully large burden for someone before they are even born.  But it would certainly make these lonely nights go by quicker.

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About tidewater

thirty-something, mostly single, finding a path.
This entry was posted in Childless or childfree, Family. Bookmark the permalink.

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