On being thankful

I know. It’s Thanksgiving.  Before I rant a little, know that I am thankful to be healthy, and able to love my dog, and am grateful for the friends I do have.  I have a job that is perfectly suited to me. My family are crazy but  not entirely awful.  I live in Hawaii.

But, amongst all this gratitude is loneliness.  Big loneliness.  We aren’t supposed to talk about our hatred of the holidays – it is one of those taboo topics.  And my experience is that nothing is worse than loneliness during the holidays.

This year has hit me harder.  I love my Mr. Faraway, but we could not figure out how to be together this year, and he still hasn’t found a job.  I have to wait until New Years to see him.  In the meantime, I am more – let’s be real here – desperate and obsessed about having a baby than ever before.  I spend way too much time reading (absolutely awesome and loneliness dispersing) blogs like lifewithoutbaby and gateway women, when really I just want to be out in the world smiling and feeling loved.  My favorite aunties are both off-island, my good older-sister role model is off-island, my hanai’d uncle is depressed and hanging out in his man-cave.  My grandfather-stand-in is going to China tomorrow morning.  All that’s left are my 20-somethings friends who are decidedly not thinking baby mode.

A wise man advised me to consider the difference between child companionship and adult companionship.  If your reason for demanding a baby is to have a companion and someone who loves you, that is awfully large burden for someone before they are even born.  But it would certainly make these lonely nights go by quicker.


About tidewater

thirty-something, mostly single, finding a path.
This entry was posted in Childless or childfree, Family. Bookmark the permalink.

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