I know. It’s Thanksgiving. Before I rant a little, know that I am thankful to be healthy, and able to love my dog, and am grateful for the friends I do have. I have a job that is perfectly suited to me. My family are crazy but not entirely awful. I live in Hawaii.
But, amongst all this gratitude is loneliness. Big loneliness. We aren’t supposed to talk about our hatred of the holidays – it is one of those taboo topics. And my experience is that nothing is worse than loneliness during the holidays.
This year has hit me harder. I love my Mr. Faraway, but we could not figure out how to be together this year, and he still hasn’t found a job. I have to wait until New Years to see him. In the meantime, I am more – let’s be real here – desperate and obsessed about having a baby than ever before. I spend way too much time reading (absolutely awesome and loneliness dispersing) blogs like lifewithoutbaby and gateway women, when really I just want to be out in the world smiling and feeling loved. My favorite aunties are both off-island, my good older-sister role model is off-island, my hanai’d uncle is depressed and hanging out in his man-cave. My grandfather-stand-in is going to China tomorrow morning. All that’s left are my 20-somethings friends who are decidedly not thinking baby mode.
A wise man advised me to consider the difference between child companionship and adult companionship. If your reason for demanding a baby is to have a companion and someone who loves you, that is awfully large burden for someone before they are even born. But it would certainly make these lonely nights go by quicker.