Uncharted: Having it all

I’m horrible about making decisions.  I would never admit it in an interview, but I really always want to leave the door open.  This has fared poorly for me in the work world, where I can be branded “uncommitted”, or seem to be spread too thin.  I’m happiest doing many different things, and this does not equal health insurance in the US today.

I assumed that most women come up against the “Having it all” debate once they have already found a partner, and perhaps had their first child.  Word of mouth suggests that all bets are off about the probability of a woman returning to work after having a child, but the data say that 75% of women will return after the child turns 2, and 25% at the 3 month mark (http://www.rand.org/pubs/reports/2009/R4040.pdf).  The study, done in 2009, did not include students.

But, I do not have a steady partner, do not have a child, and Iam not wealthy enough to do it on my own.  I worry in advance about how to possibly try to do both at the same time.  My recent escapades in dating have shown that my lifestyle is currently not even set up to *date* consistently with someone who would like to see me nearly every day of the week.  I barely eat dinner, try to work every night until 10pm or so, and am engrossed in my work.  Does this mean that I don’t want a family?  No.  It just means that this is what I need to do to accomplish my professional goals right now.

I know that being 32 years old, I still have some time.  But doing a PhD is one of those things that has no time limit, really.  I also know that without a steady partner to support me, trying to do both is mostly impossible.  Hence the pressure to date.  I feel like I’m going in circles and just can’t find a solution to the problem.  The only thing I can really think to do is freeze my eggs next summer.  – Aside: Did you know it costs $1000 a year to keep your eggs in storage?? –

My world on this island is full of the eccentric sort of people.  I work at a part-time job where you would not expect anyone to hold a degree, let alone a phd.  But after work the other day, I was asking an older woman (~60?) a question, and she revealed that she had a PhD in computer science.  She had started when she was 48, with 2 teenagers in tow.  How did you do it?  ‘I just did it’.

Regardless of what the media says, I certainly don’t feel like I can have both my career and kids.  The timing is just all off.

Which leads me to my quote for today:

Our brain only has two ways of thinking: you are either angry about the past, or anxious about the future.  –Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

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About tidewater

thirty-something, mostly single, finding a path.
This entry was posted in Career, Childless or childfree, Dating, Life path. Bookmark the permalink.

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