Okay. The lapse in posting was due to a quick cycle of grief management – denial, sadness (utter crazy sadness), anger (like a lot) and gentle acceptance. Mr. Faraway has gone more faraway, that’s a fact. He is in France. This is now a +12 hour time difference. Before he left, he gave me that beautiful “can we be open” text, followed by a lot of silence.
So that night, having dressed up for a lovely Skype date over a glass of wine, I was brushed off. I went out. I met Mr. Mexican Soccer Player. And he has been texting me too much ever since.
Space. Such a crazy word when it comes to relationships! Mr. Faraway wants space from me, I want space from Mr. Mexican Soccer Player. Some big realizations:
1) “He does not realize she is expecting him to give back.” I’ve given a lot to Mr. Faraway. I’ve given too much. Mr. MAFM suggests that it is partially my fault for having given so much – I *expect* him to give back. The only way to deal with Mr. Faraway is to give less.
2) It is fascinating to date someone else. He smothers me. I am way more understanding of what I do to Mr. Faraway. But also realize that I feel smothered because it does not feel right, and I am lonely, so I put up with it a little. I can almost not believe Mr. Faraway has standed me for so long. It is hard to be in love, and hard to be loved. I like my space, too – the long distance has been a great buffer to actual daily intimacy.
3) Lastly, using the word “would” as opposed to the word “could” is supposed to be a big deal. Men apparently don’t like women to be at all demanding, even suggesting of demanding. They want to think they are making all the decisions. How this relates to work!!
So, in this great dating saga, I have to admit I give up a little. I make mistakes everytime I talk to Mr. Faraway. So I trudge along – so far from the dream of having a family, of settling, of it all being right, right away, right now.