Let me start out by saying that life is beautiful. I listen to Xavier Rudd on Pandora, sitting all sweaty at my desk while working from home. I take my dog to the most lovely beach for lunch. I eat rice and fresh vegetables and have glasses of wine when the sun goes down. It rains a little, is sunny a lot, and I talk to people all day long. I ride my bike to the bank and to the market and get coffee with a friend when my work is slowing down.
There is also, though, an entire dialogue playing in my mind. There is a little girl in the middle of all my craziness with my best friend and lover Mr. Faraway. I wonder how she feels about all of this? In the little time I’ve spent with her, there was a connection. I love that she makes the same faces as Mr. Faraway, and has some of his temperment. I can safely say I love her. When he talks about her, I get worried or excited and miss her. I have thought through how to make sure she can go to college. I never thought I’d like children (surprise) but she is a happy butterfly who likes to dance and wear funny colors and color. It is a very rewarding job, this step-girlfriend. And it is very scary to think i might part ways with Mr. Faraway as things spiral down – and not get to have her in my life.
Nothing in the media or my life has really prepared me for what it might be like to marry into kids. There isn’t much of a template out there, or appreciation for, some of the emotional bonds that happen with your other’s kids. I think the step-mom in Juno is possibly the only role model I can think of. I love Juno. I love how Juno’s parents are very real people. I love how it shows a new kind of family.
More and more I think of the Little One when I consider any relationship with Mr. Faraway. But there are landmines! She is ex’s daughter, for sure – and the stories he tells shows that his ex is quite different than the two of us. He is fiercely loyal and like a big lion if you are at all threatening. Most of all, it is complicated. Even if we get over our communication and trust issues (of which there are many), would he even want another child? A mess, I say.